I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
