stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
