It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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