Where did you get a picture of my penis
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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