Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
