i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
