he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
