You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
