he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize