Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
