There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
