They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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