My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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