apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
