I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
