My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
