I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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