in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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