peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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