now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
