Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
