I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
