it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
