I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
