OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
