I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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