My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i need to put some appletini on your dick
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
