i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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