Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
