So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
