alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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