Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
