I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
