White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
