mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
