I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize