I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
