dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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