i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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