I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Boobs speak an international language.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
