that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
