I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Boobs are out for the taking
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
