remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My ass is underappreciated
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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