Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
