Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
