I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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