Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
