i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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