My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
we're making bets on your personal life
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
