If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize