I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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