I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
