GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
