I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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