I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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