I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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