My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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