I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
