party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he was CRYING into my vagina
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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