Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
