The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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