he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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