Plan B is the new Plan A
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
