My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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