i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
