i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
