Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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